Sunday, September 23, 2012


Pilgrimage: noun; any long journey, especially one undertaken as a quest for a votive purpose. 

So this being sick all the time thing is definitely a pilgrimage.  It's long.  It's a journey.  It's undertaken as a challenge, albeit involuntarily.  The purpose is to survive and get better.  

And boy, am I feeling the challenge right now.  I had one month of near-well health - energy, hardly any headaches or pain.  It was such a sweet reminder of the goal I'm working towards.  So I started to set my life up again - working, resuming classes, even planning my husband's 30th birthday party.  Then, WHAMMO!  I got sick again.  I am resuming treatment, this time with super hardcore, high dose antibiotics (I was able to get away with relatively low dose before) and I'm doing all the things I'm supposed to be doing to get better.  Only now, I have work, school, and this party-planning to do.  Things were so much easier when I could just stay in bed and be sick.  I have no idea how people do 'being sick' AND work, classes, or any other obligation.  I commend you, true Lyme Warriors, I know you're out there, working hard and being sick and trying to hold it all together.  And in way more dire circumstances than I am right now.

I think at this point, I would rather have less functioning and more pain rather than where I am right now.  I have some pain and some functioning, but not enough to meet all the expectations I've committed to.  Even after already cutting those expectations in half.

I feel totally lost.  Totally inadequate.   I have no idea how I'm supposed to organize the mold remediation that has to be done (oh yeah - did I mention we discovered we have the most poisonous mold and the 2nd most poisonous mold in our house?  This is making me even sicker.)  I can barely get through a 5 hour day at work.  I can barely drive.  I've outlawed myself from driving on the highway because I had some close calls. Apparently I can't even keep my brain on long enough to pay attention to driving.  My dear sweet husband has had a bad year and it's his 30th birthday and I wish I could just keep the details straight and simply plan a freaking party for him.  But I find myself not remembering where we are going, what we are doing, or all these other details, let alone how they all are supposed to fit together.  This is something I normally would be all over and it would be awesome.  He really, really deserves just one fun night.  And I totally wish I could give it to him. 

I suppose it's just time to be honest with myself and everybody around me.  I just can't do this stuff right now.  Not that I won't be able to once I get better (whenever that's going to stick), and not because I am some sort of invalid person.  It's really simple.  I'm just too sick right now.  

On the bright side, once we figure out this mold situation and we get it all resolved, I'll probably feel a ton better, right?  

In the meantime, I'll just keep chugging along and doing what I can.  Counting the blessings that I do have, and trying not to think too much about the rest.  

There.  That felt good to get out.  Now, for the icing on the cake, I'm going to go emotionally eat.  Probably some popcorn. 

No comments:

Post a Comment